Missing the mark

I am in the midst of attempting to go back to school...for engineering. Ha! Not that I actually find it funny, it kind of annoys me most days. Especially the calculus part. Here's the thing though, it's the fear that keeps me coming back for more. It's the thing that keeps me coming back for any of this. It's the fear of failing, of not being liked, of not being good enough, of having to pay another cool $GRAND$, for next semesters attempt at Calc 181 (don't anybody dare write me and tell me how easy it is). It's the terror of being 30 and thinking I just might have a clue for my future, walking into a classroom everyday, full of 19yr olds who could not only do my homework in a third of the time it takes me, but drink me under the table the night before, and still look amazing while they rock out derivatives on an hour of sleep.

It's the fear of being honest, about fear, about money, about job security, about the fact that I just got another letter from the bank telling me they need a balance on my loan by next week or they will accelerate not only my loan payment, but the retreival of my automobile. Need I say it? Bastards. Not that it's even their fault, but my it feels lovely to have a direction in which to point my fingers.

This last week I sheepishly dragged my 3 yrs (yep, 3) of neglected taxes into Jackson Hewitt, begging forgiveness for my sins against the IRS. I'm tucking tail to get a FAFSA squared away for next semester's financial aid, and the "angel" who answered the phone, assured me we could have them done in time...well, today is my deadline...she won't even call me back. I tried stalking her at work...she ignored me, and then went home. Don't get me wrong, I know that I am amazing at waiting until the last minute, but she said she'd do it! WTF?!

I was working construction for a few months, making debatably, far more money than I should have been. This however is irrelevant, as two months ago, pay checks ceased flowing. Now, it is certainly my opinion that I should be crawling ALL OVER that sweet no benes, crap hours, piss poor pay, part time job market, and I think about that often. And then I think about the sweet part-time job I currently have, which is breaking me more to keep, than it would to ditch...and I can't help sitting down to ponder the bigger picture of my life...and then proceed to share the sheer genious of it all with the world-wide web. I suppose I could have started smaller, start with a local mailing and build up to "world-wide" status. Maybe big brother is watching and can recruit my whimpering ass-pirations.

Well, now a cute boy is calling and inviting me to dinner. What can I say? I'm a sucker for steamed broccoli. And despite what the accumulated anxiety attack of 4 cups of coffee is telling me, I am quite certain there is little more that can be done to further my progress in the world of awesome jobs and freshman acedemia tonight...except maybe do my homework. Oh yeah, there's that.