bigger, stronger, faster, better...

I have a theory: You cannot move out of a place, until you move in. It's a conclusion I came to years ago, spurred by the observation that it wasn't until I took over a space and made it my own, that I felt I had a thorough platform from which to spring for the next idea, project or move. More than that, however, is the greater notion that we cannot move out of something, only through it. By moving through, we move in, or embrace it as our own, something we are part of, not something outside ourselves.

The last few times I have geared up to leave my place, I have found myself sad and anxious, homesick before I am even out the door. It has been years, if not my lifetime, since I have allowed myself to feel those emotions about something like a bedroom...something like home. Lately, I am realizing there are a lot of things I have not let myself have, maybe ever, regarding home and I am tired of holding them in.

There has been an ongoing battle regarding school, work, and what some might like to see as "long-term goals" in my life. I spent a portion of this last week fending off what felt like a fallout of faith in the circle of people I work somewhat closely with in construction. A few too many opinions about who I am and what I do, the decisions I am making, etc. etc. Which led me (I confess, after hours of fuming) to a few considerations:
1) Regarding those who speak ill; you are not living lives or choosing paths that I have any desire to follow, so go focus on your own "potential" for a while.
2) Humility with respect to the struggles we all face.
3) The absolute, inapplicable arrogance of passing judgment.
4) I must be doing something right, because they're talking.

While it amuses me somewhat to flip them the proverbial bird on a public forum, it still stings a little to hear people I like and trust have spoken poorly of me. It reminds me to be more conscious of the times when I have done and will inevitably do the same, and I take that in humble stride. It also reminds me to stay true to my own course.

The reasons I choose the paths I take, come from places far deeper in me than the burred hooks of judgment from passing fools will ever reach. I am reminded to return to those places, and to keep moving in. I am reminded to return home for strength, for footing, for a solid platform from which to spring forth into my life.







(side note: I need to laugh at the fact that it would appear I am thanking the assholes of the world for helping me stronger in myself...thanks assholes!)