Damned Cutting Boards

I have decided so many times, that one of the foundational issues in the world, is emotional immaturity. I stand by that. To demonstrate: Here I am, pissed off again, being immature I'm sure, about my emotions. What are you supposed to do with them?

For the first time in my life...I am exactly where I am...and will never be here again.

What I mean is, I am excited about my life, in so many ways. However, I am different to myself and to people that I love, in more ways than I sometimes know how to deal with. Furthermore, I'm not always sure that the 'changed' me is honestly me. Other times I'm not so sure the 'me' I've grown up being, is who I truly am or want to be.

I have an impatience with people and with life, that I didn't use to have. I have an intense amount of energy an urgent need to put it to use. Lately, I want to ski every minute of my day, or run or bike or hike, anything that has me outside, using my body. I don't want to sit at the table and talk politics with my family. I don't want to argue over stupid decisions or details like what cutting board I use or how to make burgers (recently encountered topics). I am tired of being micro managed by my mother, and yet sooooooooo sick of being annoyed by her...so what the fuck? What does a girl do with all this energy? What does a person do with all this emotion? I don't want to be a mom, but I find myself feeling guilty for not being available to my nieces. I don't want to be an emotional support or peer to my parents or any other person of their generation, yet I find myself repeatedly confided of information I do not care to know, that lands me in just such a position.

I may be just a Princess, with too many demands on the world. I may be burning bridges as I write this. I may be a selfish little shit with no sense of family or community or the little things that make the world go round. Fine...maybe. I hope that my friends and family can forgive for that. However, I maintain that I want clearer boundaries. I want people to have integrity in their drippy, gooey shit. I want good friends to go play hard with, every moment of my life. I want the rest of my life to play hard, push every boundary of personal limits and seek the life that makes my soul soar.

I am happy. I am in love with my life. I am in love with the people in it. But I feel impatient. I want people to get the fuck out of my way, or climb on and come with me. Whatever, but for the love of god, who gives a shit about the onion on the cutting board? No, really, to everyone who's just devoured and entire meal, caked in onion, I am so sorry that your carrots taste like them too.