enter

House lights to half.
House lights out.
Curtain up.
Stage lights.
Enter: Clueless white girl w/ big, black eye.
Enter: Communication gap
Enter: Social misinterpretations translating as hostility and predjudice
Enter: Self consciousness and severe questioning of motives
Enter: Class of 7 Laos students ranging 10-14 yrs of age w/ attention span of 3 yr old and attitude to rival that of clueless white girl

...get the picture??? Ha. Ha ha. Ha...aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

I swear I'm coming home, moving my shit back to Montana, settling my ass into a construction business and getting a dog! Screw all this worldly perspective and broadening of horizons! What is this but another oportunity to clam up into the self inhibited shell and fear the world of collapsing sky? Why is it so hard for me to leave myself alone? So fucking difficult to imagine maybe the world doesn't want to kill me, cheat me, loathe me? What is it w/ people? That we're all so scared of each other, we can't make it out of our own stupid, spineless, narrow minded, conspiracy theory heads, long enough to see we're all doing the same damn thing?!?!? I know I'm being an idiot! I know I'm creating my own experience, and I STILL can't get my head out of my ass long enough to overcome my momentary defeat of being refused at a market stall! Two actually. I feel like an outsider. I look like an outsider. And hell if I know how to break the ice and quit finding it necessary to appologize for things I do automatically, that offend the hell out of the locals! Direct eye contact? Yep, "aggressive". Motioning w/ your hands, pointing or rapid motion? Uh huh, "aggressive". Inability to speak the language??? Can you say "DISADVANTAGE"? And that's the PC term.

Part of me puts my head down and starts getting ready to bulldoze. Part of me is reconcilled by the thought that I only have to do this for another couple of weeks and then I can go home. Part of me refuses to let this be my final note here, and stands back up to dust off and try again. The best part being, that I know I can and will go home, and do this same thing in my own country. I will inevitably find the "enemy" in my own back yard, and stand there yelling obscenities at it for days, only to realize I'm yelling at my own reflection. Did anybody get an owners manual w/ this life? Could you forward me a copy, because I am in desperate need of...of...I was going to say comprehension, but maybe what I really need is an enema. Squeeze tight honey, that's right. Now, just hold on, as tight as you can, to aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaall the shit you can muster.

You know, I really think that blogs are the therapy of the future. Hell, the therapy of the now. What better venue to listen to yourself bitch and complain (for free! hello?) and then have the opportunity to go back and re-read your session, thereby given the chance to both vent and reflect. Vent and reflect. Vent and reflect. Sounds like a bad dance move or exercise to release...I'll stop there. Knowing all along, that you can then proceed to release your "expression" into the open, public forum of the internet, full of people...just like you. God bless 'em, me, you, whoever, whatever. Anybody have any good ideas for foreign language class activities?

Enter: Deep breath and gratitude.
Lights out.
Curtain.